"I'll Think of One Later"
			    by Matt Perry

    What kind of person is a procrastinator?  Most people would probably
describe a procrastinator as a very sad soul who is unable to exert himself
in any form of labor.  This belief is entirely correct; however, the
procrastinator's "laborphobia" is not necessarily a bad thing.  It is a
very useful trait which enables him to conserve his time with incredible
efficiency.  The procrastinator, although born with this quality, must
first learn to use it to its full potential before he can achieve veteran
status.  Once he perfects this gift, this wonderful talent, the
procrastinator becomes capable of compressing lengthy chores into a single
day.
    Procrastination is an ability - the ability to finish in a short time a
task that might take someone not possessing this quality days, weeks, or
even months to accomplish; the ability that allows its beneficiary to do
work in a fraction of the time needed by an ordinary person.  How this feat
is achieved is quite simple in theory: the procrastinator merely waits
until the latest possible moment to begin an assignment.  This way, the
work is not spread out across many weeks, thus interrupting precious free
time, but instead clustered into one concentrated effort during some unused
portion of the day.  However, this method should not be attempted by just
anyone.  A slight miscalculation in the length of time to delay work could
prove disastrous, something only the veteran procrastinator knows how to
avoid.
    After much practice, after much trial and error, the procrastinator
learns to harness his skill to the greatest efficiency.  He discovers the
correct way to complete a homework assignment during his first few years of
elementary school; that is, he either finishes it on the bus going to
school, or else during any free time he has in other classes, both methods
of course taking place on the day the assignment is due.  These techniques
are so easy to use and so effective in maximizing free time that they are
even used by some non-procrastinators.
    During his junior high school days the procrastinator encounters for
the first time the dreaded long-term assignment, the bane of lazy students
everywhere.  It is this torturous activity which separates the average
sloths from the expert procrastinators.  He requires total dedication and
persistence to make it past the first few projects, for he does not yet
understand the complex calculations needed to determine a proper work
schedule.
    When assigned these first projects, he panics, and begins them way too
early, possibly giving himself three or four days for a month-long
activity, or in some extreme cases even starting a week before the due
date.  Once he makes these initial mistakes he discovers the
Procrastinator's Formula.  Specially designed to compensate for a person's
laziness and overall fear of doing work, the Procrastinator's Formula is
the most important tool a procrastinator can have in college and/or the
workplace.  The equation is simple: take the length of time, in days, given
to complete a project, and subtract whatever number is needed to make the
end result equal to one day.  Then arrange for this day to be the very
last one before the project is due, and enjoy all the free time this method
generates.
    All in all, a procrastinator is a person possessing a certain
undesirable quality, which, if harnessed correctly, transforms into a
powerful skill, a skill which maximizes its owner's free time and minimizes
his workload, a skill which enables an otherwise ordinary person to
compress a month's worth of labor into a single day.  A procrastinator is a
lucky individual.